In my last post I covered the 5 problems I feel holds others back in mental health. Here is an overview of the problems discussed:
- Underestimating the importance of life prioritisation.
- The Consequences of Favouring Instant Gratification to Delayed Gratification.
- Mastering The Art of Delayed Gratification Will Make You Richer.
- How Low Self-Esteem Impacts How You See The World.
- How our Locus of Control promotes a vicious/virtuous cycle.
- My Distaste for Ignorant, Selfish People.
- Overview of The Will To Live.
Today I’m continuing the series, now moving onto the top 5 problems I believe inhibits eternal success in relationships, from a balanced life perspective.
In my opinion money disputes do not initially rear their ugly head during a relationship but actually before it. This is why it is important to get to know your partner well before diving into a serious relationship with them. If your ideals and beliefs about money and the way it should be used are completely different, then there is a strong probability that you’re not compatible.
This isn’t to say that savers and spenders can’t get along and should be together. It’s actually the opposite, my partner spends more than I do, but respects me so much that she limits her spending in order to meet the monthly budget that we’ve set together without hampering on her love for shopping.
People need to move away from the idea that money is ‘mine’.Your money will not be buried with you, and if you’re using it to protect yourself from your partner then you need to ask yourself whether you should be in a relationship with someone you don’t completely trust. For me and my partner, we consider it ‘ours’. My money is her money, and her money is mine. Now most people would think I’m treading on a slippery slope here but if you trust your partner (and you should, if you selected the right person), then money discussions are nothing but a fun exercise for the two of you to participate in.
Alot of people get into relationships ignoring the importance of financial discussions. Especially those who are interested in the really long-term. Most marriages that end in divorce are because of money related problems, and I don’t believe it’s purely due to one party overspending (that’s a simplistic way at looking at things), but rather a myriad of overlapping factors such as lack of communication, trust and respect for each other’s wishes and most importantly – lack of openness with regards to available funds.
Many people have told me that being completely financially transparent with your partner is suicide because you’re essentially giving them the opportunity to emotionally manipulate you in ways you’d never imagine, simply because you have more money than they do. My rebuttal is always straightforward and to the point.
“If you are purposely hiding assets from your partner (assuming you want to spend your life with them), why would it be a problem if they’re hiding their debts? – David Johnson OraguiI’m not condoning this sort of behaviour at all – I just hate it when people hide things. Questions, answers and unnecessary debates arise. For me, you either trust your partner completely, or you don’t.
Lack of Communication
If you can’t communicate well with your partner, then your relationship is doomed. Poor communicative skills in a relationship leads to the doubt of eachother’s spoken word and inevitable resentment. I always stress how important communication is in a relationship. Issues that threaten the health and vitality of a relationship needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. Leaving things too late can infact work against you, as the present issue is still lingering in your mind and festering, depending on the severity of the problem.
I’ve been witness to many instances whereby the two parties in question do not see eye-to-eye. Their conversations consisted of incessant arguing and shouting about the littlest things like school children on the playground during lunchtime. “Who put that plate there!?, “who took my..!?”. This is supposed to be a family, not a mad house shared by inmates.
For me, communication is the most important component of a relationship, and the person I’m in a relationship with should be my lover and my best friend. We’ve had our fair share of problems, but because we’re so experienced with the skill of active listening and understand the benefits they provide, we’ve been able to sort out our problems and have fun at the same time. Arguments are healthy? Depends entirely on the nature of your relationship and your interpretation of that term. People who prefer having discussions that are engaging, pleasurable and have meaning, are also unmistakeably more happier than their counterparts who do not.
Lack of Appreciation
This problem isn’t something you realise before the relationship begins(maybe in some cases), but whilst you’re actually in it. This reaffirms my point about communication being the most important component of a relationship. If you feel your partner is beginning to take you for granted, then you need to raise the issue immediately. Many people leave these little things out of discussions and let them go without notice for fear of been branded ‘a possessive, controlling bitch’, but this description couldn’t be further from the truth.
It’s completely natural to settle and get a little comfortable whilst the initial ‘honeymoon’ period subsides. However, some people unintentionally take their partner for granted and therefore get too comfortable in their relationship. This inevitably leads to one or both parties refusing to make a strong effort, either physically or otherwise, in their relationship.
Is this a vicious cycle developing? Maybe. However when I talk about a lack of appreciation, I mean to describe instances whereby one or both parties operate with ‘selective memory software’ installed in their brain. You know the type – they manage to forget the 999 things you’ve done right and only manage to focus on the one thing you’ve done wrong.
Whenever I have been in a relationship I like to do little things for the man I am dating. I wake up early and sneak out to the shop to cook special breakfasts for them, set up surprise evenings doing their favourite things, take them out for a walk at night to look at the stars away from the town’s lights, make them gifts occasionally, send little messages every so often to try and brighten up their day – not ALL the time- that’d be weird, but regularly… however I have been told by my female friends that its not our “duty” as women to take that role…. surely it works both ways?
Personally, I have never had anyone treat me in the same way back, either they just accept it and say very little, or begin to take it for granted- but this is just what I do…
What are your opinions on this sort of thing? Is it ok for me to do this? Or would guys find it odd?
Dissipation of The 3 Core Values of A Successful Relationship
Pretty simply, the trust, honesty and respect levels in a relationship should always be high. If they break completely, then the relationship begins to decline until it dies. However, there are two somewhat large problems that I feel contributes towards a relationship’s demise that many people forget to highlight. One of them is the unwillingness to compromise, but the other is even more worthy of note.
The Refusal To Improve As A Person
Whether this is physically, mentally or otherwise. People should head into their relationships with the idea/belief that I’d want to improve the relationship overtime, rather than let it dwindle down and suffer. In my opinion, a relationship isn’t just about sharing a physical and emotional connection with another individual, but also about our growth as people.
I personally disagree with the sentiment that your partner should blindly ‘accept you for who you are’. The message is good, but its delivery needs work. The result leads to people leading an overtly comfortable lifestyle. Yes, you should accept me for who I am. I bring many fantastic qualities into a relationship however, I feel it is equally as important if not more so, that you push me to excel as an individual. Which is, in my opinion, the key to creating and maintaining a relationship that lasts.
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- Tagged: appreciation, communication, happiness, honesty, money disputes, respect, trust, vicious cycle
About the author
David Johnson Oragui is a balanced life practitioner, gathering people together to undergo a journey towards a balanced life that brings about ever-lasting happiness and excellence. His mission is to motivate and inspire as many people as possible to live their lives to the best of their ability through the idea of a balanced life. You can find him on Google + and Twitter.